A couple of years ago I had jury duty. Now you would think that since I am a police officer’s wife, they would excuse me. Not so much. I showed up and spent two days being questioned by the defense attorney and prosecutor. And I mean REALLY grilled. They finally let me go after they mentally wore me down. I actually felt like I was living the dental scene in “Marathon Man”. Oh, and I had a really bad cold to boot.
Anywhooos, I have once again been called for Jury Duty. I am in Group 8, so I am hoping I won’t have to go. I did the obligatory phone call last night and was told that Groups 5-8 are to call back today between 11:00 a.m. and 1:30 a.m. for a possible afternoon appearance. Needless to say, I am hoping I don’t have to go (and please spare me the “it’s your civil duty” speech – I know this).
This morning while driving my 15-year old daughter to school, I was telling her how they grilled me last time, with very personal questions. We began joking around with things that I could say or do that would more than likely make them want to send me (or anyone) home immediately:
- Show up in slippers and fleece duck print pajamas. When asked why you are wearing them, simply state that this is your normal nap time and since jury duty is typically a snooze-fest, you wanted to be prepared.
- Repeatedly ask to go to the restroom – explain (in detail) that you have explosive diarrhea.
- When they ask someone else a question, violently wave your hand in the air saying, “Oooh, I know, I know! Pick meeeee!”.
- Eat a big can of baked beans the night before and continually gas ’em (of course, it’s more effective if you look around, stunned, acting like someone else “gassed”.)
- Stare at the defense attorney’s footwear and ask him if they sell men’s shoes where he bought those.
- Play your zoo and farm games on your iPad and leave the sound turned up really loud. The oinking, mooing and clucking noises are bound to drive them batty. Better yet, don’t let them see your iPad! It will sound like there is a virtual farmyard in the courtroom.
- Don’t shower for at least 8 days before your appearance. Let your funk be your friend.
- Explain that the reason you are jumping around in your seat is because you have Restless Legs (which I totally do). For added effect, you could accidentally kick the person next to you.
- And finally – eat a big tuna fish sandwich (or a few cloves of garlic) before you go in. When they question you, ask them to come closer because you can’t hear them. Answer quickly, while they are still near your mouth. Breath/blow out extra hard when you reply. Make your answer really long (and until you have achieved the desired look of “OMG” on his or her face).
Wish me luck, folks, that I will be excused from jury duty!