Today’s children are growing up in a dangerous world. It’s not even to say that they have it harder than other generations. More that bad news has a much easier time reaching them. They are very aware of the risks of gun violence, climate-related disasters, and global conflict.
They practice intruder safety drills— some of which can be very frightening in their own right.
They lived through a pandemic. During that pandemic, they were socially isolated. Quite possibly, their family experienced financial distress. They may have gotten sick. They may have even lost someone.
There are thousands of ways children can acquire trauma. Helping them cope with it is a much narrower path.
In this article, we take a look at several strategies you can use to help your child manage their trauma.
Defining Trauma
Trauma does not have to refer to a dramatic incident. Car accidents are traumatic but so is cyberbullying. The definition of trauma is simply “A disturbing or distressing experience.”
It’s an extremely open-ended and subjective description. If your child is acting differently, it may be a reaction to trauma even if they have not experienced any major life-altering events recently.
In fact, they may not even be able to recall a specific traumatic incident. Continuous stress can be trauma. If they feel anxious going to school every day (as an example) that is traumatic, even if nothing bad is actually happening to them.
You can never fully understand someone else’s mental health experience. As a parent, your job is to acknowledge what your child is experiencing and connect them with the resources they need to deal with those feelings productively.
While that is easier said than done, below we include a few approaches that might help.
Listen Actively
Have you ever wanted to have an important conversation with your partner but been held back by time restrictions? You couldn’t discuss it at dinner because the kids were there. By the time the kids weren’t around, you were too tired to engage, and— weeks went by before you finally had your chat.
That same thing can happen to kids who want to open up but don’t know how. In many cases, you need to create the conditions with which they can open up. Good active listening practices are a great way to make that happen.
Active listening requires you to focus very directly on what is being said. This may sound like a basic requirement for holding a conversation, but it’s a skill that people don’t often fully leverage in their average encounters.
You might be partially listening to what the other person is saying, but more often than not you have other thoughts competing for your attention. What will you say next? Has the water in the kitchen reached a boil yet? Is that smell coming from me or him?
Active listening is as much a mindfulness technique as it is a basic conversational courtesy. It requires you to not only listen but also maintain receptive body language that invites and encourages the other person to open up.
Households that practice active listening generally have better communication habits overall. This is important when it comes to identifying trauma because the sooner you notice, the sooner you can respond appropriately.
Create the conditions necessary for your child to open up to you.
Use the Information They Give You
When your child discloses that they are struggling with a difficult feeling it is important to:
- React calmly: They will most likely mirror your response in some ways. If you become panicked, that will produce a panic response in them.
- Do not impart a personal agenda on what they say: You may have entered this conversation with complicated motivations. On the one hand, you don’t want there to be a problem. That desire could lead you to reduce their concerns. On the other hand, you entered the discussion with the suspicion that there might be an issue that requires dealing with. That could result in a tendency to escalate things prematurely. Try to assume a position of impartiality.
- Do not postpone action: Mental health difficulties are just as urgent as physical medical emergencies. Act quickly, but through calculated measures.
It’s important to make your child feel like they have as much autonomy in this process as possible. It will help reduce stress and encourage active participation in whatever steps are to follow. That said, you ultimately need to pursue the path that you think is best— even if it conflicts with their wishes.
The severity of what your child discloses may inform the urgency of your response. If they say they are feeling stressed, the timeline for dealing with that isn’t as urgent as it would be if they disclosed thoughts of suicide.
Once you identify what is going on it is time to involve the right people.
Take Advantage of Your Resources
Public schools are legally required to provide access to mental health resources. They have social workers and psychologists on staff. Often, they will also have a cooperative relationship with local hospitals or mental health clinics in cases that extend beyond their limited access to resources.
If your child is dealing with trauma your next step may be to contact their school. Find out what they recommend, what sort of support they can provide, and go from there.
You can also make an appointment with their pediatrician. Though they are not a replacement for mental health care, they can make informed recommendations for what steps to take next.
My Child Won’t Tell Me What’s Wrong. What Do I Do?
In cases where you feel like something is wrong, but you aren’t getting any information out of your child you may need to escalate your concerns without their support. That’s a difficult situation to be in because it can create a lot of household tension and it will undoubtedly diminish the likelihood of their active participation.
In that situation, it’s a good idea to at least sit down with your child again and discuss why you are concerned and what you plan to do about it.
They will most likely be more inclined to disclose their feelings to you if they know that silence is no longer an option.
Drawing a child who has experienced trauma out is an imperfect process. Some kids will want to communicate their feelings right away. Others may always be evasive.
As a parent, your job— difficult though it may be— is to connect them with the right resources, regardless of if they resist.
Intergenerational Trauma
Intergenerational trauma is a complex topic that could— and has been— the subject of an entire book. Here’s a very basic definition:
Intergenerational trauma is the passing down of emotional pain and distress from one generation to the next. It happens not through osmosis but mostly as a product of the environment. If you experienced trauma as a child, you likely internalized some of those experiences and reflect them outwardly in your behaviors as a parent.
You can break this cycle by offering understanding, communication, and support to help your child navigate and overcome their mental health difficulties.
Conclusion
No article can replace professional care. If you believe your child is suffering from trauma you should contact a mental professional and begin leveraging a medically informed treatment strategy as quickly as possible.
It’s natural to panic when your child experiences trauma. You know how young and vulnerable they are. While that’s true, it’s equally accurate that children are resilient. While the journey ahead may be difficult, it’s certainly not impossible.
