Empathetic Listening: Essential Communication Skills for Parents Handling Children’s Issues

Parents are responsible for administering discipline, but it’s easy to lose sight of why. The goal of any repercussion is to modify behavior and improve the child’s ability to interact with peers effectively in the future. Sometimes a punishment is the way to achieve those goals. Often, it’s too blunt an instrument. 

Empathetic listening has been consistently shown to be an effective way to help children deal with their issues and engage with their feelings. While listening is a skill most people like to think they are good at, many don’t quite understand the nuance of true active listening. 

In this article, we take a look at why communication matters and how you can leverage it effectively when dealing with your children’s issues.

What is Active Listening?

Active or empathetic listening is the art of dialing in what the person you are speaking with is actually saying. Much of it is about simply clearing your thoughts and giving the other person all of your attention. Don’t think about what you want to say next. Don’t worry about which team is winning the baseball game going on in the other room.

Just focus. 

There is a physical aspect to active listening as well. Facial or body language that make it clear you are paying attention. Make eye contact. Lean in a little closer. Nod to show you are paying attention. The idea— particularly in the context of this article—is not only to pay close attention to what the other person is saying but also to make sure they feel heard. 

Most people do some of these things in every conversation. Active listening requires sustained effort. Pay attention, ask thoughtful follow-up questions, and fully engage with your child as they are speaking. 

Why Does Active Listening Help?

Active listening in the context of parenting has several key benefits. It:

• Increases your child’s willingness to open up: There are certain struggles your child will experience that you simply can’t know about unless they decide to tell you. Maybe they are nervous about something at school. Maybe another kid isn’t very kind to them and they don’t know why. Maybe they just always feel a little sad and they have no idea what to do about it. These are things you can only learn if the child decides to tell you, but unless they trust that you will engage actively with them, they probably won’t bother. 
• Builds trust: Your and your child’s relationship will be strengthened immensely by open channels of communication. You can build a lot of trust by showing your child you are always willing to listen to them.

Active listening can fix certain problems, and identify solutions to others. Some struggles may require counselling or other forms of outside assistance. However, even in those situations, the path toward an effective solution begins with a conversation. 

Active Listening Helps Your Child Build Healthy Communication Skills

Your child is modeling their own communication styles of what they see demonstrated by the other people in their lives. In other words: you. Showing them how to pay close attention and engage with the people they are talking to will not only help them with conflict resolution, but it may also allow them to develop important leadership skills that will influence their lives in and out of school. 

Active Learning Require Repetition

It’s important to remember that active listening is not something that happens just one time. It’s a habit built on sustained effort. This is particularly true when you are trying to leverage it as a way to help your child deal with an issue. 

It’s great that you want to pay attention when your child has a problem, but if they go into the conversation assuming that you will be half focused on them, half worried about what you’re going to make for dinner, they won’t fully engage. 

There are other ways to improve communication between you and your child. These include:

• Establish safe spaces: Your kids need to feel like they can say things to you without fear of significant consequences. Your child won’t bring you their troubles if they are worried that they will receive a consequence. Obviously, there are certain scenarios where it will be natural and even necessary to follow up with something your child tells you in a way they don’t like. However, to foster healthy communication, it is a good idea to establish spaces where your child can disclose most things without fear of trouble. 
• Admit when you are wrong: It won’t exactly be breaking news for them anyway. Children know when their parents make mistakes, but seeing an adult put that into words can be huge. Not only does it foster trust but it also teaches them how to behave in situations where they make a mistake. If you yell in an argument or misread a situation and have an inappropriate reaction, take a few steps back, calm down, and admit what you did wrong. It will make a big difference in future interactions.
• Check in regularly: Communication shouldn’t just be a thing that happens during difficult times. It’s a skill you should leverage every day to not only find out what is going on in your child’s life but also just fully experience their company. Look for moments every day where you can sit down and talk to your child about their day, their interests, and their concerns. Anything and everything that they want to tell you. Don’t be afraid to talk about your experiences as well. Family discussion time is a great way to build meaningful relationships.

Don’t feel bad if these steps are harder to take than you think they should be. We live in a very fast-paced world and it can be difficult to set aside time and energy to devote yourself fully to a child’s concerns. Don’t be surprised if it takes you a while to get good at active listening. That’s ok. 

The time you spend working on it will still be beneficial to you and your child, and the improved communication you will both eventually enjoy is well worth the effort. Good mental and emotional health depends on being able to clearly communicate your feelings to others.