How to Have Difficult Conversations with your Teenagers

As a parent, it’s common and natural to worry a lot about your teenager. As they grow up and become more independent from you, it’s expected that you might worry about what they’re doing and whether you have successfully raised them to make smart choices for themselves and what they do. It’s normal to feel uncomfortable about having to talk to your teenage child about uncomfortable topics like sex, drugs, or alcohol. However, sometimes these awkward conversations are necessary, and difficult conversations can give you a good chance to guide your child towards making sensible and responsible decisions and to talk about what you and your family really value. 

The Basics

Difficult conversations will vary between different families. They could cover any topics that you find awkward or embarrassing, upsetting or controversial to discuss, either for you or your child. It could also be a conversation on a topic that runs a risk of causing an argument or some kind of conflict between you and your teen. 

These topics could include sex, sexual orientation, alcohol, drugs, education, work, money, religion, and their future plans. Any of these topics may be challenging to discuss, depending on your child and whether you feel very differently about these subjects. 

It’s not at all unusual to feel uncomfortable discussing subjects like this, and feeling awkward has no reflection on your skills or abilities as a parent. However, if you are feeling uncomfortable, it can help you to prepare for the conversation in advance. This should make you feel more confident and comfortable about tackling conversations like this. 

Managing Difficult Conversations

If you have to tackle a difficult topic and have an uncomfortable conversation, unfortunately, there is no script. This could be a hindrance to you, but it could also be a good thing, as it allows you to tackle the topic in your own way that makes you feel as comfortable as you can. 

However difficult you think having these awkward conversations will be, it is a good idea to think about these topics before your teenager asks you about them, so you’re prepared for the questions, and have some answers and talking points ready to go to help you. Spend some time thinking about some of the key points you would want to make about parties, alcohol, and sex, for example, before your teenagers start asking about them. It can even help to practice what you think you want to say, even if it feels silly to do. By thinking about it in advance and practicing a bit, you hopefully won’t be caught quite so off guard if your teenage child asks you a question about sex out of nowhere. 

After you have had a chance to think about some of these difficult topics, it can also be a good idea (if a scary one) to raise these subjects yourself before your child asks. If you can start talking about these subjects, you should be better able to intervene and keep your child safe from whatever it is you’re worrying about, before they get themselves into trouble and ask you for advice. For example, if your teen has a mobile phone, it would be a good idea to have a frank discussion about sexting, before they ask you about it, so you can keep them safe. 

Here are some top tips to help you to manage these challenging conversations and make sure they’re productive, as well as difficult!

Your First Reactions

• Try to stay calm, no matter what your teen wants to discuss with you. If you’re shocked by their topic of choice, it’s good to be honest about that, but you should also make sure you reassure them that you’re ready and willing to discuss whatever they want. If you can stay calm, whatever the topic, this will make your child feel more comfortable about the conversation and as though they can raise awkward topics.
• When your teenager asks you to talk, make the first thing you say to them is something that will tell them that you’re happy that they want to talk to you. Tell them that you’re pleased that they trust you enough to bring this issue to you. This will also make them feel assured that they won’t get in trouble for whatever they’re about to tell you. 
• Listen to them. This is very important. Listening to them means you need to give them the chance to get out what they need to say and talk through their issue without you interrupting or jumping in with suggestions or solutions. Often, they might not want a solution, but just want someone to listen. It can be hard to resist but wait until they’re finished talking and then ask if they want your advice before you give it. If you listen, they will come to you again when they need something. 
• Whatever they tell you, avoid being judgmental or critical. If you can, try not to get too emotional, even if you are upset or angry by what they tell you. If you do feel emotional, it’s better to save your feelings to discuss with another adult, such as their other parent, later on when your child isn’t around. If they’re worried about upsetting you, making you angry, or being judged or criticized by you, they won’t come to you when they need help. 
• After the conversation, thank them for coming to you.

The Next Steps

• If the conversation topic that your teenager has brought to you is difficult, and you need some time to calm down or gather your thoughts before you talk to them, tell them you need to think and set a defined time to talk later. Make sure this time is soon. Don’t put off the conversation any further than the next day. If you wait longer, the harder it will be to actually have the conversation, and you run the risk of your teen just going ahead with whatever they’re worried about without your input or advice. 
• If your child has a specific issue that they want some of your help with and you aren’t sure how best to advise them, say so. Be honest. Instead of offering advice, offer to help them to find out what it is they need to know, whether it’s about the best contraception for them, confusion about their sexuality, or help with giving up smoking. Whether you find yourself looking into different kinds of birth control or heroin rehab, be ready to do the research with them to get the help they need. 
• Make sure your child actually wants your opinion. If they do want it, let them know how you see the situation. Don’t tell them what they should do. For example, if they want to talk to you about sex, you could tell them you would prefer for them to wait until they’re older, but if they’re sure, you think you should make sure they can be safe. 

When Your Child Won’t Talk

Teenagers are not known for being very communicative, and it’s likely that your teenager would rather avoid talking to you about anything embarrassing or upsetting, especially if you’re the one who brings them up. 

If your child would rather crawl under a rock than have an uncomfortable conversation with you, there are a few things that you can try to encourage them to open up a little.

• Set aside some time every day to talk. Ask them open-ended questions and let them know that if they want to talk, you’re ready to listen. These talks will keep you both connected and could make them feel better about approaching you in the future if they need to. 
• Keep track of their interests. Knowing what they like gives you something to talk about and shows you’re taking an interest in them. 
• If they don’t want to talk to you, find someone they will talk to. This could another adult relative, a teacher, a family friend, or a counselor. Remind your child that they can still come to you any time that they want.

Benefits Of Difficult Conversations

Tackling these tough topics with your teen is a good sign that you have a healthy relationship, that is close and trusting. If you can be a parent that they see as accepting, non-judgemental, and uncritical, they will feel more connected to you. It helps to be ready to negotiate and set clear limits too. 

If you have a better understanding of what is actually going on in your child’s life, instead of just what you assume is going on, you will be better able to help them when they do come to you for advice. Talking things through with your children also helps them to explore their options and decide what the right course of action for them is. 

Don’t avoid challenging conversations with your teenager. If you dodge discussions like this, your child might make choices that end badly. For example, if your teenager is struggling at school and feels they can’t approach you about it, they may end up failing classes instead of asking their teachers for help.