Talking To Your Teenager About The Birds And The Bees

It might seem like teenagers are growing up much faster nowadays. They can certainly seem more mature when it comes to certain subjects and the internet often seems like it does a better job of teaching them about some aspects of adult life. However, whether they start dating and it seems like things are getting serious, or you simply know that they’re getting to an age to know about sex, it might be time to have “the talk.” The truth is a lot of kids don’t ever get that talk, left to figure things out on their own. 

However, while they may seem mature, you shouldn’t make any assumptions about what they do or do not know. Here are a few frank conversations you might need to have with them.

Talking about the risks

One of the reasons that you want to talk to your teenagers about sex in the first place is to make sure that they are being as safe and responsible as possible. As such, they should know about some of the potential (and often) unintended consequences of sex. For instance, you should talk to them about the realities of unintended pregnancy without making it too judgmental. Similarly, talk to your teen about STIs, including some of the most common ones and how they can affect the body. You’re not trying to instil a negative mindset towards sex, here, you’re just trying to make sure that they’re informed about the risks.

Talking about protection

Your attitudes may differ from what we know on the subject but, statistically, the abstinence method of birth control and safe sex doesn’t work. Some teens might refrain based on your cautions but, let’s be real, young men and women are going to be thinking about sex and, at some point, probably going to want to try it. To that end, talk to them about real options for protection, and empower them to buy it when they need it. Condoms might be the most common option for safe sex to lower the chances of both pregnancy and STIs. If your teen is in a healthy relationship, including sex, however, you might want to talk to them about options like getting the mini pill without a prescription. Some parents might see this as “enabling” their kids in having intimate relationships, but you have to think about the likely alternative. Are they more likely to just not have any sexual relationships or, without your intervention, are they more likely to have unsafe sex and not talk to you about it?

Talking about consent

The conversation around consent has become a lot more common for teenagers and the generation currently growing up, which is a great thing. The concept has become much more widely known. However, you should still talk about what it means to consent for both parties, as well as what boundaries your teen might set to make sure that there is mutual respect when they do have an intimate partner.

Talking without making it overly negative

When looking at the three subjects above, it’s easy to look at them and to see where the “don’ts” can start coming in. Don’t have sex. Don’t get pregnant. Don’t catch an STI. Teaching them about the potential consequences of sex is undoubtedly the correct thing to do. However, you want to make sure that you don’t try to look like you’re scaring them away from exploring what should, eventually, feel like a natural part of life for them. Empower them to feel like they have control over relationships and their intimacy.

Listen and don’t jump to conclusions

You might have plenty of wisdom to share about the birds and the bees, but you should also listen to what your teenager has to say. They may be a little awkward about opening up at first, but when they do, you have to make sure you don’t immediately contradict them or take a judging stance on it, or you can find it hard to get them to open up again. If you’re trying to talk about the mechanics of consent or safe sex, for instance, ask them if they know about it and what they know so you avoid sounding patronizing and out-of-touch.

The mechanics of sex and how it works might be taught to them in sex ed at school, but the realities of how it affects them, their life, and social relationships is a whole other story. Now might be the time for a little of that parental wisdom.